


it isnt the same but it is enough

by briaroses



Category: CIX (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, M/M, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 02:35:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29851272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/briaroses/pseuds/briaroses
Summary: they say a broken heart heals and sometimes seunghun believes them, but then byunggon looks at him, smiles, and seunghun knows he will never be fixed.
Relationships: Kim Seunghun/Lee Byounggon | BX
Comments: 9
Kudos: 10





	it isnt the same but it is enough

**Author's Note:**

> seunghun's birthday video for gon made me emotional and therefore this happened somehow???

In his dreams, Byounggon is there. He is never not.

The only difference is sometimes he dreams of hand holding, sweet words under a night sky, and soft kisses pressed against shoulders. Other times it is a memory. A memory of rough words, hoarse voices, and crying till he felt as though his heart could bleed no more. 

Seunghun prefers the memory over the dream. 

It doesn’t lead him astray, it isn’t threaded with lies, it doesn’t give him hope only to wake up and have it all ripped away. 

Dreams are the cruel remnants of your desires, but memories are the reality of all you led yourself to believe. 

His mind needs to remind him constantly that what he wants is never something he can truly have. 

Tonight his mind does the opposite. 

Seunghun dreams of a field of flowers. There are colors of every kind, some that he never even knew existed. The wind is blowing, but it is not harsh. It breezes by him, almost like a caress. 

A hand lands in his hair and he leans into the touch. 

Touch has always brought him a great deal of comfort. 

Seunghun turns and for a moment his heart stutters before it fades back into a normal rhythm. 

Byounggon stares back at him, a glint in his eyes, a hand held out as though it is only Seunghun’s to take. 

A voice somewhere screams that he has been down this road before. To not yet again be led down the path of his own destruction. 

He doesn’t listen. 

Byounggon’s hands are soft and his smile even softer. They walk through the path of flowers and pass by a few willows. They walk upward and look at a few snapdragons. They walk to the right and see the blooming marigolds and Seunghun desperately wants to capture this moment but he doesn’t seem to have his phone. They come to the end of the path where daffodils grow and Byounggon stops. 

He lets go of Seunghun’s hand and approaches the group of flowers. He reaches out and plucks one. This surprises Seunghun because surely you can’t just take what you want in a carefully cared for flower field, but Byounggon turns back around and hands the daffodil off to Seunghun.

He stares at and it’s yellow petals. It is beautiful, but has never been his favorite. It’s meaning is too sad. 

Unrequited Love. 

The illusion crashes and Byounggon’s face morphs quickly into the dorm’s pale white walls. 

Seunghun doesn’t have to check to know there are tears on his face. 

He knows how this goes, he has done it far too many times. 

He stays in bed for a few more minutes waiting for signs of life within the place before he can finally hear Yonghee’s footsteps padding out to the kitchen. 

Seunghun quickly gets up and washes his face, making sure it is not too red before joining Yonghee in the main living area. 

He is sitting on the couch munching on cereal with some daily drama playing as background noise. 

Seunghun hops on the couch and does not hesitate to attach himself to Yonghee. He wraps his arms around the younger’s shoulders and nestles his head in the crook of the other’s neck. 

Yonghee does not say a word. 

Eventually, the other three make an appearance and Seunghun has to brace himself before Byounggon appears. 

When the man finally rounds the corner Seunghun takes a breath, puts on a smile, and runs to his side with his daily `Hyung, how did you sleep?’. 

Clearly still not awake, Byounggon mumbles an ‘alright’ and lets out a yawn. 

“Well, I was just about to fix Jinyoungie and Hyunsukie some egg, do you want some?” 

Byounggon squints, thinking about it for a moment, and Seunghun hates that he even finds that cute. 

Eventually he nods and Seunghun lets out a squeal that isn’t as genuine as he wishes it was and gets to work. 

The two of them had moved past the incident from six months ago, on the eve of Seunghun’s birthday, that left them both raw and hurt and not even able to meet each other’s eyes. 

That was the biggest fight he remembers ever having with his hyung and that includes all the immature ones when they were teenagers with the pressure of an uncertain debut on their shoulders. 

Truthfully, it had been Seunghun’s fault. 

Byounggon had no way of knowing that his constant sessions with one of the new C9 producers could hurt Seunghun. Leave him feeling abandoned. The other’s didn’t mind so why did it bother him so much? 

Why did Byounggon sharing a new snippet of a song he was working on with, y’know, a producer, would cause such a ruckus in their friendship. 

Because Byounggon always used to share his songs with Seunghun first. Always wanted his opinion and approval before he let others hear it. 

Why did that suddenly change? 

Contrary to the belief that Seunghun was very good at adapting, he actually despised it. 

He always felt as if when a new thing arose, that something bad would always follow. 

Was this the bad he had been anticipating? 

Byounggon slowly but surely pulling away from him? 

That their six year friendship would begin to dissolve until it barely existed. 

Looking back, his thoughts were ridiculous. 

Thinking everything that he did. Drawing all the conclusions that he did. All because Byounggon dared to work on a project with someone who would understand it much better than Seunghun could. 

He didn’t blame Byounggon for being upset. 

Of course, he never told him any of this. 

In fact, what he had actually said that night after Byounggon came home from yet another session with the new producer was that he had been spending too much time on his solo work. That he needed to put more focus into the group. That he was slacking off on his responsibilities. That he acted like he didn’t care about the group anymore. 

_That he didn’t care about him anymore was what Seunghun actually wanted to say.  
_

But the nail in the coffin was when Seunghun in his unjustifiable anger muttered out that Byounggon wasn’t acting like a good leader. 

He regretted it instantly. 

Byounggon was the _best_ leader and Seunghun would never accept anyone else in that position. Byounggon worked so hard everyday to prove that he was a capable leader even though he never had to. Everyone in the company and all the fans knew that Byounggon was amazing.

So, why in the world did Seunghun say that? 

He was about to apologize, about to say that he was stressed and taking it out on him, about to take it all back and beg for forgiveness. 

But then Byounggon’s face shifted from that of shock and hurt to that of anger and disgust. 

He called Seunghun annoying, that he asks for too much affection and never knows when to leave him alone. He called Seunghun selfish, that he only ever thinks about himself. He said that the fans would be so disappointed to know that this is how Seunghun really acts. 

He doesn’t remember much after that. 

He remembers Hyunsuk crying, not understanding why his hyungs who he respected so much were being so careless with their words. He remembers Jinyoung being angry and calling the two of them immature. He remembers Yonghee staring off into space as if he can’t believe what he just witnessed. 

Seunghun couldn’t believe it either. 

The two of them retreated into their rooms and Seunghun could hear Jinyoung and Yonghee trying to calm Hyunsuk down and he drowned in his guilt even further. 

His heart had broken many times before. When he had to leave his family to become a trainee when he was so so young. When he had to attend his grandfather’s funeral and came to a devastating realization that he barely knew the man. When he came home to visit one weekend and his brother had grown three inches taller than him and the last time he visited he was six inches shorter. 

But none of those were quite like this. 

It was never the burning, crucifying, sensation he felt in his chest on that day in February. Not even close. 

The next morning Seunghun sucked up his pride and headed into Byounggon’s room. He was already awake which meant he had never gone to sleep. 

The guilt was already seeping back in and Seunghun almost made a run for it but he pushed through. 

He had messed this up and now he had to make an attempt at fixing what had seemed at the time the unfixable. 

He should’ve told Byounggon the truth. He should’ve told him his insecurities. He should’ve told him his fears. He should’ve told him his feelings.

But, instead he just said he was stressed. He said that he had been feeling anxious lately. That the smallest of things set him off. That he deserved what he got from Byounggon in return. That nothing excused what he had said. That Byounggon was a fantastic leader and he should spend all the time he wants on his solo work. That Seunghun’s stupid words and opinions shouldn’t matter as long as he is doing what he loves. 

And because Byounggon is kind, because Byounggon has a soft heart down to his core, he forgave him. 

That didn’t automatically make everything alright though and Seunghun’s birthday was an awkward event. 

The last thing Seunghun and he was sure everyone else wanted to do was celebrate himself after the whole disaster he had caused the previous night. 

Looking at the fan’s birthday wishes helped for a while, but then he remembered what Byounggon said and he couldn’t help feeling that he was right. That the fans would be so disappointed in the person he had become. 

A few days went by and the tension started to ease. 

A few weeks and things were practically back to normal. 

Seunghun would tease and Byounggon would laugh. They would still hang out in a group and occasionally one-on-one. Everything was fine. 

But Seunghun knew that something had shifted. 

He and Byounggon would never cuddle anymore. They would never tell each other their deepest worries and concerns anymore. Byounggon would never shown Seunghun his songs anymore. 

Which was such a bitter irony, considering that was what led to the whole fight in the first place. 

The thing Seunghun desperately did not want to happen was happening and he had no one to blame but himself. 

“Hyung!” 

Hyunsuk’s voice startled him out of his thoughts and he grabbed the nearest solid to balance himself. Of course, that just so happened to be the burning pan that Seunghun was supposed to be cooking egg in. 

The heat was scalding against his skin and he couldn’t help but letting out a yelp before biting his tongue. 

“Hyung, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to startle you it’s just the egg was burning!” Hyunsuk muttered a guilty expression on his face.

Seunghun wanted to tell him that it was okay, that it was no one’s fault. He had zoned out and Hyunsuk had just wanted his egg to not taste like charcoal. 

But his hand was still burning and when he opened his mouth he let out a whimper and quickly shut it. 

Yonghee and Jinyoung were also looking in concern, but it was different. It was deeper. Curse their observant asses. 

Then, a soft hand enclosed around Seunghun’s rough one and for a minute Seunghun thought he was back in his dream from the morning. 

“Are you okay, Seunghun-ah?” 

Byounggon’s voice was calming and Seunghun wanted to melt into his arms but he still stood stock still. 

He nodded in response to the question even though it was quite obvious due to the tears he was holding back that he wasn’t okay. 

Byounggon leaned closer and whispered in Seunghun’s ear.

”It’s alright, Hun-ah. You can tell me if it hurts.” 

Seunghun lets a tear fall and Byounggon smiles sadly at him. 

He tells Hyunsuk to turn off the stove and throw away the ruined egg. They can all just have cereal for breakfast like Yonghee. 

This is met with three nods of approval and Byounggon leads Seunghun to the sink. 

He turns it on and lets it run cool before guiding Seunghun’s hand under the faucet. 

Seunghun hisses for a second, getting used to the cold against the heat of the burn, but Byounggon rubs his shoulder and it helps him relax. 

After a few minutes Byounggon removes Seunghun’s hand from the water and turns it off. He guides him a little further down their kitchen island to a counter and opens it with his free hand. 

He never lets go of Seunghun’s burned one. 

He pulls out some type of medicinal jelly that Seunghun never knew was even in there and applies a bit of it to the burn that is starting to take shape on the skin.

Finally, he gets Yonghee to rummage around in their bathroom for bandages and not a minute later does he provide them. 

“Tell me if I hurt you, okay?” Byounggon says. 

“You aren’t hurting me.” 

It’s a simple sentence and it’s the accurate reply to what Byounggon is asking, however, Byounggon stops for a moment and looks up. 

There is a sadness in his gaze that Seunghun has never seen before. 

“Are you sure?” 

The question feels heavier than the one before it, like it means something different than what is on the surface. 

Still, Seunghun nods and Byounggon finishes wrapping his hand. 

“Be careful with that for a few days. You don’t want it to get irritated. I’ll tell the company to make sure you are careful when we go to practice.” 

Seunghun doesn’t really think that’s necessary but this is the closest he’s felt to his hyung in too long of a time so he’s not going to complain. 

“Thank you.” He murmurs and Byounggon smiles and Seunghun’s heart still stutters. 

He knows that things will go back to how they were soon enough. That the distance between them will remain, it may even grow larger. That things will never be how they were back when they were teenagers bickering about stuffed animals. 

Because Seunghun caught feelings and Byounggon will never know that. 

Seunghun will never tell that. No matter how many stare downs Yonghee gives him. 

It isn’t the same, but for now, in this moment, it is enough. 

**Author's Note:**

> might make a part two if you guys even like this lmao


End file.
